January 2011
29 posts
December 2010
36 posts
If 2010 has taught me anything, it is that apparently just anyone can grace the front page of the New York Times Sunday Styles. After a year of mediocre (and frankly, oftentimes insipid) profiles, I’m about ninety-eight percent certain that these editors are just plucking people from obscurity and declaring them “The Next Big Thing!”
Let’s take a look at this week’s...
The Best of Holiday Treats, Part 2
Kenzie: I haven’t stopped eating Chex Mix all day. Happy fat holidays.
Me: Oh, I’ve been eating all week. This has to stop. I’ll be fasting all January, nothing but coffee, yogurt, low-cal dinners, and water.
Kenzie: Yogurt and low-cal liquid. I am determined to look good for New Year’s.
Me: We sound so anorexic.
Kenzie: I love it.
The Best of Holiday Treats, Part 1
Me: (standing over the counter in the kitchen, sampling all of the holiday treats) I really love these cookies and those cookies…actually I love this entire tin of goodies. Be sure to thank Mrs. XYZ for me.
Mama Winkelman: Oh she’ll be glad to hear that.
Me: The only thing I don’t love is this weird, caramel-y Chex Mix concoction…she kind of missed the mark on this one.
...
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m way too involved with the on-camera lives of wealthy women.
Me: Ahh! You just missed a preview for the New York wives! They’re back in February!
Mama Winkelman: Wait…who?
Me: The wives! The Real Housewives of New York City!
Mama Winkelman: Which ones are they? I can’t keep them all straight.
Me: Ramona,...
Cocktail Chatter: Christmas Cosmos Edition
Jackie: I was thinking of getting a Wii for Christmas.
Me: Oh that would be fun! And festive! Where are you thinking of getting it done at?
Jackie: Wait, did you think I said “Wii” or “weave?”
Me: …weave…
Jackie: No. Wii.
I can’t believe it’s two days before Christmas and I’m shopping for summer fashions. Last year I (foolishly) waited until April to go shopping for jean shorts and boat shoes only to find nothing left in my size. Lesson learned.
How is it that Star Jones can be named an Editor-At-Large and I can’t even get an editorial assistant position? The Universe is just mocking me now.
“Marry Me” is four hours of my life I will never get back. I don’t know why I continue to watch these abysmal Lifetime Original Movies. It’s a sickness.
Another Mama Winkelman Moment
Me: Oh, I saved “Black Christmas” on the DVR in case you want to watch it. It has Olivia Hussey in it, I know you always liked her.
Mama Winkelman: Oh I do! What’s it about?
Me: It’s called “Black Christmas,” what do you think it’s about?
Mama Winkelman: Well if I had to venture a guess, I would assume it’s a heartwarming story about the first...
If you feel like descending into the bowels of hell, try doing some last-minute Christmas shopping in Iowa. Nothing screams “Happy Holidays” like being pushed and shoved in a crowd of crazed simpletons who feel the need to loudly alert those around you that you are a “faggot.”
I just love simpletons. Oh wait, I don’t.
I’m eating those peanut butter and Hershey’s Kiss cookies like they’re going out of style. I think I need a holiday cookie intervention.
I just realized that “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” is slowly giving cameos to everyone involved in the OJ Simpson trial. Last week, Kato Kaelin made an appearance, tonight is Faye Resnick. I shudder to think who might pop up next week.
Just a pointless observation. Use it as you wish.
I may be a gentleman, but I want to punch Camille... →
The irony of Camille calling out a guest with “blown-up fake lips” while she sits there with her own blown-up fake tits is just too delicious.
And I’m sorry, but at least the “morally corrupt” Faye Resnick has a career as an interior designer (and she does damn good work I must say). What do you do with your time Camille? Oh that’s right, you think...
I hate losing my voice, but I secretly love that stage where it’s a cross between smokey, whispery Marilyn Monroe and complete laryngitis. I feel like I should be charging $1.25 per minute on the phone today.
Cocktail Chatter
Me: Did you just say “I can’t read the menu, I’m too horny?”
Monica: Dizzy! Dizzy! I’m too dizzy!
I’m not even going to try and pretend like I’m not having a ball pulling potential NYC looks from my closet whilst having a dance party to “Oh Santa!” and “All I Want For Christmas Is You (Extra Festive)” on repeat.
A black velvet blazer? Sure why not. A fringe scarf trimmed with black sequins? I’m sure I can work that into some glamorous Starbucks run...
Another holiday season, another reminder of just how much I suck at wrapping gifts. It must be some sick ironic twist courtesy of the universe that a perfectionist of the highest order would have the wrapping “skills” of a straight man. Seriously, all my packages turn out lumpy, bumpy, and not even cute. A drunken monkey could probably do better.
Sigh. On the plus side, at least I...
Did I miss the memo that gave people a free pass to be utterly condescending to those who are lucky enough (or maybe cursed? It’s a fine, fine line at times) to possess a bone of creativity in their body?
I’ve honestly lost count of the number of times I’ve introduced myself as a writer or explained that I’m in the process of trying to find an agent/publisher only to be...
On the topic of “Watch What Happens Live” and “Real Housewives”:
Lillie: Why was Lance Bass there? Did they explain? He looks good with his brown hair…
Me: They didn’t actually. He was just…there. Like Cynthia at that Spades party.
Lillie: Like Cynthia everywhere!
“I think my mother’s dead husband’s family is from Iowa.”
Yes, this was seriously someone’s idea of a good pick-up line. Needless to say, it didn’t work. Actually, just about anything involving the words “mother” “dead” and/or “Iowa” will guarantee you won’t be getting lucky with me.
