February 2011
31 posts
For claiming to be a writer, I would probably make a pretty poor addition to your book club. Unless it was one of those fun book clubs where the phrase “book club” was just code for “let’s sit around and drink a few bottles of wine.”
Dad: Justin, do you know the names of the other books in “The Girl” series?
Me: “The Girl?” You mean...
January 2011
29 posts
1 tag
How the hell does Charlie Sheen live next door to... →
So, basically Charlie Sheen called the Maloof-Nassif mansion for medical advice and they called for his ambulance.
I wish I lived next door to Adrienne. Then we could both wear matching tinsel in our hair and walk across the street for afternoon tea with Lisa. And I could obviously call her when I overdose on cocaine suffer an allergic reaction.
I’m not sure how normal it is to be lying down with an upset stomach and suddenly pop up exclaiming, “OMG I forgot to put my fake tan on for the week!” I’m guessing not very, but at least I can say I’m doing my best to make being under the weather glamorous.
I’m all kinds of ridiculous. It’s okay, you can think it.
Am I the only one who finds it hilarious that ABC Family actually airs an infomercial called “Get Sexier in 90 Days?” If that doesn’t scream fun-for-the-whole-family, I don’t know what does.
After seeing “Glee” clean up at the Golden Globes on Sunday, my mother decided to try watching an episode with me tonight: Below, some of the more golden moments:
Mama Winkelman: Did they just say ‘let’s go all the way tonight, no regrets?’
Me: Well…those are the lyrics to the song…
Mama Winkelman: What kind of song has such saucy lyrics? They’re...
My horoscope promised me a moonlight romance tonight. Once again, it lies. The only romance I foresee for myself in the next five hours is with my bottle of pinot grigio.
So, I totally didn’t realize that “The Green Hornet” and “Green Lantern” were two separate projects. Every time I saw a promo for “The Green Hornet” I kept wondering, “What happened to Ryan Reynolds? Wasn’t he the lead? And I thought Entertainment Weekly leaked pictures of a much better costume…”
I guess I’m just not up on...
So it’s come to this: I have just applied for the position of personal assistant with a confidential company, referred to only as “Leading Adult Gay Film Company.” I have absolutely no idea what my responsibilities would be, but it’s a safe bet that they won’t include writing scripts or tweaking dialogue, as one of the qualifications is “perfect...
It seems somewhat sacrilegious to be listening to “California Gurls” while I’m wearing a chunky sweater and the sky is dumping a foot of snow on us.
Note to self: I am never allowed to dance to The Pointer Sisters with a glass of wine in hand ever again. After a particularly rousing four minutes of twirling to “I’m So Excited,” I am now covered in pinot grigio. Ramona Singer would be so proud.
I’m fairly certain Claus von Bulow had an easier time being interrogated on the witness stand than I just did trying to prove to a recruiter that I was both talented and glamorous enough to join their company.
Yes, glamorous. I was actually asked, “Do you really think you’re glamorous enough to work for us?” I’ve never been asked that before…I thought it was...
Every time I hear that catchy “Oh wah oh!”/ “Video Killed the Radio Star” sample on Nicki Minaj’s “Check It Out,” my brain wants me to bust out the original lyrics by The Buggles. Sometimes I’m just too 80’s for my own good.
I was just called a “bitchy vulture” on twitter. I’ll take that as a compliment.
I just broke a sample of J’adore Dior…my bedroom must smell like a Parisian atelier now.
I feel as though I’ve sent my resume to a “Ms. Liz Clark/Clarke/Klark” an inordinate number of times. Either this is one woman who has her hand in far too many scam businesses, or a very popular name in NYC.
I thought about being classy and pouring myself a snifter of brandy to help ease my cold, but I wasn’t sure how much I would like the results of mixing brandy and cold medicine AND sleeping pills. I may be irritated at everything today (seriously, everything from the sinus pressure making my eyeball feel as though it may pop out of my head at any given moment to whoever did that slapdash job...
I’m beginning to think that I’m the only person who doesn’t get a dead-on horoscope on Astrology Zone. Every single month I have the same three predictions: I’ll immerse myself in charity work, exciting new business ventures are brewing, and I will find myself with child.
There are three problems with this: 1) I’m not Angelina Jolie. 2) These business ventures must...
I swear, Facebook has made one night stands impossible these days. I always receive a friend request the next day and I have to suppress the urge to reply “Exactly which part of the phrase ‘no strings attached’ did you fail to understand?”