11) “I used to think I was a Carrie, but then people were like, ‘No, no. You’re more of a Samantha.’ And then in one really insulting moment, I was called a Charlotte. I’m still a little offended by that.”
10) “If you’d like, I can teach you a sassy strut if you’re forced to walk the streets.”
9) “Ooh, my butt looks really good in these jeans. I mean, I’d fuck it.”
8) “I really don’t think this whole Rapture thing is happening. I mean, I really hope it doesn’t, because I didn’t have time to get a wax this week, and I’d really like to be groomed everywhere if I’m going to meet Jesus.”
7) “Is it tacky to be having a glass of wine in Betty Ford’s honor?”
6) “I prefer the term ‘Ice Princess,’ actually. I’m not nearly old enough to claim the throne of Queendom.”
5) “I’m like a neurotic, X-rated Nancy Drew.”
4) “My nipples started tingling, so I took that as a warning of danger. Kind of like how Spider-Man has his Spidey Sense…?”
3) “I mean, you know, I’m very open. I don’t go around lying and I write about my life, so it is what it is, and if someone finds out something they didn’t necessarily know…I have to take responsibility for that. If I fall on my own sword, so be it.”
2) “You know, I’ve fucked an asshole before. Figuratively and literally.”
1) “Oh God, I feel like the lyrics of a Ke$ha song.”
In keeping with the theme of my last post, I find myself wondering what kind of fabric all the furniture at Sean Cody is made out of. I only wonder because there seems to be a great deal of…spillage, let’s say, and yet, those sofas always look immaculately clean.
This new shampoo I’m trying has the same consistency of and looks exactly like cum. I don’t know how I feel about this, but I’m thinking I’m going to have to stop using it. It’s just entirely too suggestive.
Me:Oh! I forgot to tell you! I was almost in a car accident today. I was turning onto Hamilton behind this little car and, out of nowhere, the damn fool slammed on the breaks mid-turn and just sat in the middle of the street for a good five seconds.
Mama Winkelman:Well, you should just thank God that you didn't get rammed in the rear.
I just caught my mother watching America’s Next Top Model. She loathes everything about Top Model. Clearly, this fever has either worsened or she’s too whacked out on antibiotics to know what she’s doing.
Me:Ugh, I can't use Excel to save my life. Spreadsheets and I have never gotten along.
Lillie:Yeah, and I can't figure out how to format two different rows of numbers in adjacent columns...I need a tech guy...
Me:This is basically why I need to be famous. Famous people don't even need to know how to turn on a computer, but everyone else on the planet is expected to be a tech whiz. I mean, to even qualify for an entry level job I'm basically supposed to know how to build and program RoboCop.