June 2011
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Well, I'm going to say it: Blake Lively's nude...
And that alleged boob job was worth every penny.
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May 2011
79 posts
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“This air conditioning is making me cold. But without it, I’d be hot.” —Me
Words of wisdom, people. Words of wisdom.
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Cocktail Chatter
“I want to know why I’m giving away good PR advice for free, to no one! I can guarantee if I was Tiger Woods’ PR rep, we wouldn’t know about half of those mistresses.” —Me
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Who says that “The Real Housewives” series isn’t educational? I just learned how to say “darling” in Arabic.
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Seriously, can 2011 just hurry up and get better already? I can’t be the only one having a rough year.
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I’ve had three glasses of champagne. Shouldn’t I be tipsy or something?
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NYC outdoor smoking ban begins. →
I realize I’m going to sound like a dick, but these whole outdoor smoking bans make me rage. You can’t own the outdoors. If we could, I would personally lobby to ban tourists from taking pictures of random buildings, slow walkers and tube tops in public.
I have no problem not lighting up in restaurants and bars, but this is a bit extreme.
I'm just a well of literary knowledge.
Dad (doing a crossword puzzle): Justin, do you know who wrote “The Bastard?”
Me: …I know Jackie Collins wrote “The Bitch.”
Dad: Not what I asked, but good to know.
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We can all stop worrying. The priesthood is...
Me: Ohmigod, I just took the Lord’s name in vain in a church! Ohmigod! I just did it again! Shit! Fuuuuu…bah. I’m done now, I swear.
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And this is why I simply cannot be a priest. Names have been changed to protect the horny.
Madame X: Ooh! We should throw her our own bachelorette party at a strip club, complete with a bride crown!
Me: Yes! Can we have tiaras too? We can be like her ladies in waiting…not that they have tiaras, I just like wearing one.
Madame X: I’ll buy the stuff, you pick the strip club since...
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Me: Yeah, I really don’t think this whole rapture thing is happening. But I also really hope it doesn’t, because I didn’t have time to get a wax this week.
Jackie: …
Me: And I’d really like to be groomed everywhere if I’m going to meet Jesus. And Marilyn Monroe. Because she will totally be the first person I’ll want to find and say, “Marilyn,...
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OMFG.
This just happened:
Mama Winkelman: Have you ever given serious consideration to becoming a priest? I’m thinking maybe you should.
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My mother and I are having an argument about Susan...
Me: I saw Susan Lucci in a Lifetime movie at three this morning and I swear, she looks younger today than she did in 1995.
Mama Winkelman: Mmm. I really don’t care about Susan Lucci.
Me: I’m just saying, I want to know who her surgeon is. I mean, she’s kind of gorgeous.
Mama Winkelman: I’d hardly call her gorgeous. She doesn’t look like, oh, say me.
Me:...
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I obviously need my own reality show.
If I have people willing to stop their vehicles in the middle of a suburban street to watch me pick flowers, can you imagine what I could do with semi-scripted material?
Yes, you read that correctly. Two SUVs and a truck seriously just stopped to watch me pick flowers in the garden for five minutes. Am I really that fascinating?
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There are times when I suspect that I am the most...
For example, this evening I’m currently wondering, “If Jackie O were still with us, would she be on twitter? I think she would be, she would probably use it recommend books and such. Would she listen to Lady GaGa? Well, she did go to see ‘Deep Throat,’ so I don’t think having GaGa on her iPod would be out of the question…” And so on, and so on.
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I’m trying really hard not to be a bitch today. Like, I’m really trying. This is difficult when I’m surrounded by idiotic, self-serving individuals.
Points for trying, right?
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I’m having a love affair with my mocha coconut light frappuccino. Seriously, we might ride off into the sunset together.
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My iPod is obviously having a moment.
He’s* trying to tell me that “The Edge of Glory” is not sung by Lady Gaga, but rather by Josie and the Pussycats. Umm…
*Yes, my iPod is a he. His name is Shimmy the Fifth (I’m the black widower of iPods, remember. I’ve put four in the ground in six years.) and he’s fabulously flaming.
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“I’m having a creamy moment.” —Me, on the topic of peanut butter preferences.
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Regarding dirty martinis:
Jameley: Ohmigod Justin! How do you drink four of these?
Me: Well, I’ve been drinking them a lot longer than you have have. And I usually stop at three, I’m going to be running around like the Road Runner when I get back to the house tonight.
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You know what is amazing when you’re tipsy and suddenly starving? Peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Omg. Every bite is like a little piece of Heaven in my mouth.
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