Really, Bravo? You passed on Faye for a party-planner? Didn’t we learn our lesson after Jennifer Gilbert? Party-planning, “part-time” Housewives just don’t work. They never have a plot and only end up looking like the help.
As insufferable as I’ve found LuAnn this season, I think I’d be much more willing to buy into her whole “Classy Countess” schtick if she would drop the rampant usage of “Alls I knows is…” from her vocabulary.
It’s “All I know is…” darling, “All I know is…”
We’ll work on your pronunciation of Sonja (“Sun-ya”) and “Long Island” (“Lawn Guyland”) another time.
I just saw a job posting for an administrative/front desk assistant. 5+ years experience required, of course (because I just have no clue how to answer a phone off the top of my head). Salary $29,000-33,000/year.
I remember way back in the crazy days of 2008 when entry level positions started at $30,000 and you only needed 1-2 years experience. I’m seriously side-eyeing this employer and this entire economy.
A snippet from this afternoon's conversation with my mother, AKA There's no dysfunction like WASP dysfunction.
Mama Winkelman:You mean gays only want to hang out with pretty women? Oooh, then they would love me!
Me:But...you don't even like the gays...
Mama Winkelman:Oh, Justin! Honestly! Where do you get these things? "You don't like the gays! You're kind of racist!" Sigh. I'm no such thing.
Me:Um, just the other day you called my Asian cuisine "Oriental Crap" and wasn't it just a month or so ago that you went on that tirade about lesbians being evil and how we, as a society, shouldn't trust them? I thought I was going to have to turn the hose on you. And I still cringe when I think about that time you compared gay men to feral dogs...
Mama Winkelman:Well, you have to admit that I'm right. Some of those gays that do nothing but sleep around and prance about in all their flaming glory just create a bad reputation for the good gays. The quiet, unassuming gays! The good ones! I'm right, Justin. You know I am. Admit it.
Me:You're really not. No one says, "Oh those douchebags and bros create a bad name for the straight men." I don't see anyone slapping the scarlet "A" on obviously straight men who are sleeping around.
Mama Winkelman:I like the gays, Justin. Just not the ones who feel the need to flaunt it and let the whole world know they're gay. That kind of lifestyle is simply not acceptable.
Me:Okay. Name one gay man that is in your life.
Mama Winkelman:Hmmm. Well, let's see... well...there was that one young gentleman who sat across the aisle from me on my flight to Vegas last fall...
Me:Oh yes, he's certainly played a crucial role in your life.
It’s terrifying how easily I can slip into the mindset of Kelly Killoren Bensimon and her inability to stand by anything she says. Terrifying. Someone hold me.
"Honestly, to be honest with you, Bethenny isn’t successful, Bravo is successful. Bethenny’s success means Real Housewives are successful, honestly. To be honest with you, authentically, I miss Bethenny. Honestly? I don’t miss the inauthenticity of Bethenny, I don’t miss her. To be honest with you, I miss my children. Honestly, I’m in the trenches, like, honestly, in the trenches. I don’t miss castmates. To be honest with you, authentic. Authentic trenches."
I feel like Bravo is insulting my intelligence with tonight's "Is Ramona pregnant?" storyline.
I’m not saying a woman of a certain age can’t have an unexpected pregnancy (and I’ve known several who have) but Ramona, you’re pushing 56. If your period is erratic at 55/56, is pregnancy really the first thing you think of?
"Omg yes! I saw the picture you posted and recognized them immediately. They’re the same pair that Carrie wore to the party and that were stolen! And then Tatum O’Neal bought her a new pair to replace them, right? God, I’m too gay for my own good. My gifts are just going to waste in this town." —Me, on the subject of a friend’s wedding Manolos.
The fact that Tawny Kitaen has taken to twitter to inform the masses that the Real Housewives of New Jersey have “no class” just makes my night. Is this not the same woman who attacked her husband with one of her stilettos back in 2002?
I believe it was allegedly a Payless heel too. If you have any modicum of fame and decide to attack your significant other with your footwear, I would suggest you at least make it a Manolo or a Louboutin.
Shaunie O’Neal, on the cast of the upcoming “Basketball Wives: Los Angeles”:
"The L.A. cast — there are some wives and fiancés, which I’m fine with. But there’s a little bit of trash kind of sprinkled into that cast that I’m totally against."
Because the “Basketball Wives” of Miami are just the epitome of grace and tact, without a trashy bone in their bodies. When I think of class, my mind immediately conjures images of Evelyn Lozada and Tami Roman.
I admittedly haven’t been obsessively tuning in to this season of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” (there is only so much I can take of Teresa mangling the English language and Caroline shouting, “Family is family. Fix it!”), but is Melissa Gorga somehow contractually obligated to cross herself, blow a kiss and proclaim, “Thank you Jeeeeeezusssss!” in every episode?
I don't know exactly when my mother turned into "that mother," but it is obviously in full-swing now.
Me:Did you hear Jennifer Lopez is finally getting a divorce?
Mama Winkelman:From what's-his-name?
Me:Mhmm. They lasted seven years, that's a pretty good run for Hollywood. And especially for her.
Mama Winkelman:He cheated on her, didn't he? He's a scoundrel. A scoundrel, Justin! Not that she's any better. Oh, she'll remarry again and again, but she'll never find true love. Never. All she has now are her millions to keep her company. And her children. But some day, they'll break her heart too. Just as you've broken mine.
Me:Well, I'm so glad I started this conversation now...